Things I can’t do now.

1. My old job.   I was an energetic, positive, motivational sales trainer.   I could retain huge amounts of information, organise, plan and multitask. Now I put the porridge oats in the freezer and have no idea how they got there.   I can barely muster the energy to smile, let alone engage and inspire a room full of people.   I have lost my positive outlook on life completely, I would now be the worst sales trainer in the world.
2. Any work at all.   My concentration is so poor at the moment, I can barely cook a meal, let alone focus on a task someone else requires me to do.   Sometimes it takes so much effort to remember where the cheese grater is, that I would happily live off takeaways the rest of my days if I could afford to and it wasn’t so unhealthy.
3. Watch TV.  Netflix is not my friend anymore.   I had so many shows saved to my list that I was desperate for a moment to watch in peace. I scroll through them now and think nope, nope, can’t watch that.   Comedies about mums and modern life (not relatable anymore) horror movies (I’m living one, don’t need to watch them) hospital drama series ( no chance) the only thing I can manage is a detective series, not that I can concentrate on them for very long though.   I get terribly lost and forget the story line.
4. Read books.   I’m starting to get a bit better at this, as I have changed the genre that I am reading.    A bit like TV, I can manage a detective story (as long as there are no children involved) but mostly I am reading books about the afterlife and tales of near death experiences.
5. Go out.   I have never been much of a social butterfly, I have always preferred the comfort of my own home and would place a take away in my pyjamas over a night out any day, but now even going to do a food shop fills me with anxiety.   Will I meet someone I know? Worse, will I meet someone I know that doesn’t know what happened to Heidi? Will I see lots of babies? Will I get there, take a total blank about what I need to buy and just come home?    I still go though, I have mouths to feed after all and the good news is I am getting slightly better at it!                                              After the Kiltwalk there was the chance to have a drink and a meal and listen to a band. It felt so alien to be amongst people that were celebrating, we didn’t fit in, we had tears in our eyes and felt very awkward. We didn’t stay for long. I am comfortable at home, I don’t have to answer difficult questions there and there is less likelihood of unexpected grief triggers.
6. Listen to music.   Sometimes I will take a notion to listen to the songs I mentioned in my blog ‘expression’ but mostly I avoid music, especially the radio.   I did try to listen to my usual station, but I feared that the dial would fall off with the amount of times it had been punched to switch off and stop a song playing that was going to make me cry.   It’s not particularly safe to drive with tears in your eyes.   
7. Have faith. I was never a religious person, but I guess you could say I was spiritual.   I believed in the power of the universe and that if you asked for something events would align to give it to you.   I believed that everything happened for a reason and that everything would always work out ok in the end.   All I believe now, as a famous book title says, the universe doesn’t give a *&£# about you.

Things I can do now

1. Cry.  I’m pretty good at that, I’ve done it every day for ten weeks.
2. Exercise. I have been walking a good nine miles, at pace, every other day and I always feel better when I do.   I love being out in nature, alone, with nothing but the rain or sun, the clouds and animals.   I shall continue doing it long after the Kiltwalk is finished. It’s great therapy.
3. DIY.   This has been a big part of our ‘keep busy’ drive and the house is benefiting greatly from it.   Turns out demolition is incredibly therapeutic, I love the destruction and smashing noises.
4. Writing.   It seems to be the one thing I can really concentrate and focus on.
5. Gardening.  Because we wanted to plant a tree and create a memorial garden for Heidi, I had to learn pretty quick what to do and how to look after it. I’m doing quite well at this too, I have filled the bald patches in the lawn, rescued a rose bush and grown forgot me not seeds.  I’m not a big fan of weeding, but it gives me something to do when all the fun chores are done.
6. Research.   The things I have learnt about sepsis and pneumococcal bacteria since Heidi died are quite in depth.   I have connected with people all over the world who are on a similar mission to mine.   I have emailed the microbiology departments of some of the greatest universities in the world in an effort to learn more about the particular type of pneumococcal bacteria that Heidi caught.   I have sat with hospital notes spread before me and Google at my side, learning all the terminology that is used and creating my own translation dictionary.   It’s so important to me to leave no stone unturned and understand as much as I can about what happened to her.
7. Fundraising.   My husband and I have so many ideas for fundraising for next year.  It’s incredibly important to us to do whatever we can to support vital sepsis research and raise awareness of sepsis symptoms.  Whilst there is a lot I cannot concentrate on, I know that I will be able to focus on organising and planning every detail of these events perfectly.

Whilst I have lost so much and changed so deeply, I still have passion.   A desire in my heart to find out why this happened to Heidi and a determination that lessons are learned so that avoidable deaths are reduced.