Walking bent forward into the strong wind on Irvine beach, struggling with every footstep, but determined to keep going, the wind stealing my breathe and voice, the sand blasting and stinging my shins constantly reminded me of the effort it is taking me to get through every day without my baby Heidi. The only differenceContinue reading “The beach”
Category Archives: Uncategorized
The Funeral
The last time I was sick with anxiety, unable to eat, my nervous bladder making me visit the bathroom every five minutes and I was wearing a special dress, I was about to walk down the aisle to get married. But today I am burying my baby, this is not a nervous, excited anxiety, thisContinue reading “The Funeral”
Keep busy
The first two days my husband and I coached each other out of bed in the morning, I knew if we stayed there we wouldn’t get out and would sink into the dark, empty abyss that was ready and waiting for us. We found little things to keep busy and pass time and we didContinue reading “Keep busy”
Everything has changed
I used to believe that everything happens for a reason. I used to believe that if you asked the universe for something it would provide. I used to believe that in the end everything worked out just as it was supposed to. I can’t believe that anymore. I didn’t ask for this. Parents are notContinue reading “Everything has changed”
Early days
I knew she was gone. Looking down at her little body on the hospital bed, with all the tubes and wires and machines making horrible noises, I knew she was gone. I was told three times that she might not survive and I didn’t believe the doctors any time. I said “Not my baby, she’sContinue reading “Early days”
About me
People always love to share the joy of pregnancy, birth and motherhood, but how many talk about the unimaginable – your baby dying. Babies are supposed to live, they are supposed to bury us when we are old and grey and they are all grown up, at least that is what society would have usContinue reading “About me”
Grieving Muma 